"Bosoms"

After my marathon, my right foot was a bit hobbled, I think due to carrying the weight of water filled shoes around for almost 5 hours. I was back at school the next week and my foot was killing me so I decided to go see the school nurse for a bag of ice to help with the pain.

As I was walking down the hall I heard a familiar voice ask me what had happened to my foot. The voice belongs to a very kind woman that works here at school named "Mary." Mary is one of those people I am just drawn to. She is a little kooky, sometimes says things that are not entirely appropriate for a particular setting, but she just has a heart of gold and it shines through. I think Mary used to be a runner herself, too, if memory serves me correctly. She too struggles now to get around as well as she once did.

When I told Mary I had hurt my foot recently running a marathon she just squealed and hugged me and gave me a peck on the cheek. It was as if my own grandmother had been transported into the hallways of the high school and was giving me praise! I was grinning from ear to ear.

As we continued down the hall Mary and I discussed the conditions of race day with me telling her about the rain and the cold and the flash flooding. She was so intrigued by the whole event. She then asked me if that had been a bucket list item for me, running a marathon. I informed her that no, actually it had been my third and that I really just enjoyed running.

At that point we had made our way to one of the main entrances where students tend to congregate when Mary's eyes got very wide and her eyebrows seemed to dissappear somewhere close to her hairline as she exclaimed, "Wow I wouldn't have thought you a runner because you have such large bosoms!" As she said it she made this gesture with her hand arcing across the front of her own bosoms and I found myself awkwardly repeating the same gesture and nodding as I did it. I was so taken aback at the question and quite frankly the use of the word "bosoms" that I was literally unable to come up with any words.

If you have ever seen the movie "Sixteen Candles" it was oddly reminiscent of the scene where Molly Ringwald's character got her boobies pinched by her own grandmother. Actually it was a toss up between that movie scene and the scene of my own mother giving me the "period talk" in 6th grade. My mom: "You see because you are a girl and might someday have kids you are going to have your period once a month for the next 30-35 years at which point your hormones will dry up and then you will start overheating on a daily basis and become marginally insane. Here is a box of Kotex. Enjoy."

Mary continued... "I mean, do you wear a special apparatus? Do you tape them down before you go running?" And my own awkward head maneuvers which vascillated between nodding quizzically to shaking my head from side to side continued. By that time in the exchange I believe I had also begun to make a sort of mewling sound without any actual words being produced. I pointed haphazardly at my shoulders and "bosom" area trying to pantomime where a sports bra fits as if that would answer the question of how I am able to carry such un-runner-like anatomy. Mary continued to speak and said bosom at least 3 more times but I think I missed some of the conversation as my gaze skipped from the faces of one student to the next who were stopped and staring blankly at us in the hall. 

I finally just started meandering down the hallway hoping that would be the signal for the whole incident to be complete. Mary congratulated me on my marathon efforts as I hobbled quickly away and I waved saying thank you for the kind words and gave her a smile.

As I arrived at the nurse's office I realized there was a substitute nurse was there for the day. I politely asked for a bag of ice for my foot. Her first question, obviously, was to inquire what had caused the foot pain and swelling. I said that I had just run a marathon and as I was speaking her facial expressions started to resemble that of Mary's and I thought, oh, hell just give me the bag of ice....